Student loans. Oh, how I loathe thee.
No, that’s not right. I loved you when you were the thing keeping my head barely above the poverty line as I desperately threaded water throughout undergraduate career. But back then I thought my education would actually enable me to make a salary that wasn’t effectively being paid in chewing gum, like I am now.
Back then I was arrogant enough to believe the economy would recover around the time I graduated. Of course someone would send it a memo that an important person, me, needed financial security so it was time to quit dicking around and get back to business.... Yeah, that didn’t happen.
Instead, I’m making only a dollar and a half more than pre-degree Brandy, doing the same thing, but as a temp. (possibly one day permanent worker) with no benefits.
I know what some of you are thinking: “At least you have a job, you entitled brat. Some of us are barely making it on minimum wage style unemployment checks. We’d love to be car dealership receptionists right now.”
To those people I proudly say: “Screw you! This is my blog. If I want to bitch here, be it about being underemployed and overeducated or about how the drug eucalyptus is devastating kola communities everywhere, I will. You want to bitch, get your blog. They’re free. Trust me, I wouldn’t have one otherwise.”
The worst part about student loan payments, aside from the fact that I’m paying retroactively for something that apparently me little to no good, is the fact that, every time I send these smug bastards money, I can’t help but think of all the things I could be buying with that cash.
So, without further ado, I present my non-existent fan base with a list of what I could purchase each month with the $230 (It’d be $430 if it weren’t for the graduated payment plan) I send the banks for two degrees that aren’t worth their weight in toilet paper:
1.) Tacos. Approximately 244 to be exact, providing I bought them at Taco Bell and didn’t special order. To those of you who are thinking “Who would ever want 244 cheap ass tacos a month?” I say: “Fuck you. You think you’re too good for Taco Bell? Elitist prick. Tacos are always awesome, so much so that my boyfriend thinks they’re actual currency. Go take your snobbery elsewhere. We don’t like your kind around these here parts.”
2.) Glow in the dark Bubbles. These are a real thing. You can buy them online, which is part of why the Internet is my idea of heaven. They’re also what I want for Christmas right now. At $8.34 a bottle, I could, were it not for student loans, own 27 bottles of awesome each month.
3.) A Gun per month. I don’t really know the price of firearms, because I’m not a hunter or a psycho, but I’m pretty sure I could get one, whether through legal or illegal means, for $230. Sure, it might not be the best one, but it would only be beginning of the arsenal I should be amassing for when the Zombie Apocalypse actually happens. Yeah, so screw you Student Loan Corp. If the zombies turn me into one of them, because I lack the ability to protect myself, you’re going to be on the top of my list of people to infect. You’re going down, bitches.
4.) A New Car. Okay, let’s be honest, it wouldn’t actually be a new car, but it would be new to me, and that counts for something. I could be driving around a vehicle whose gearshift isn’t threatening to fall off, whose interior wasn’t ravaged by an ex-husband who didn’t understand his coffee needed to stay in it’s cup, maybe even something with power windows. Don’t get me wrong, I love my car (Her name is Willis), but damn, power windows and rear defrost would be nice.
5.) 11.5 Small Crack Rocks. According to Answer.com, a small rock costs around $20. This means I could buy 11.5 of them! Now, I’ve never done Crack, but two of my stepfather’s have said it was awesome (You don’t argue with a crack head about whether or not crack really is “the shit”. You just go with it.) I don’t really want to do it, because I’m a chicken shit pansy and nothing like the hardcore badass I pretend to be, but I think it should be my God given right to ruin my life, if I were so inclined. My student loan payments are robbing me of my financial ability to become addicted to crack, and that’s just wrong.
6.) 2090 Packs of Ramen. Can you imagine the salty goodness I could buy with $230 extra month? Now, since it has no real nutritious value, it might kill me, but that’s 2090 packs of Ramen I don’t even have ability to buy right now. This would probably manage to turn out very similar to time I bought 72 Glazed Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, just because I had a coupon, but I should be allowed to find out for myself, damn it.
7.) Roughly 230 Condoms. Okay, I’d have to be a crazy person to be having sex enough in one month to use 230 condoms. At that rate my vagina would just fall off. I could, however, hand them out to all the stupid people I know who shouldn’t procreate (I know A LOT of stupid people) and I would be making a real difference in the world. So, thanks Student Loan, Corp. you’re what’s keeping me from changing the world. Assholes.
8.) Pay OFF My Credit Card Faster. Okay, you and me both know this one probably wouldn’t happen. Not in a world where tacos and glow in the dark bubbles exist, but it’s nice to think about.
1. You could get a pretty okay gun for that 230 dollars. I mean, it wouldn't be a pearl handled wonder gun, but it would throw lead.
ReplyDelete2. Tacos are wonderful. I've been Mexican food obsessed lately, but tamales have been the object of my obsession. Unfortunately, tamales take several hours to make, so the hell with that, I just usually make taquitos instead. Of course, Delimex just started making microwave tamales, thus making my life much happier.
3. In three months you could create a giant latex golem to do your bidding, arm him with a gun (or glow in the dark bubbles) and power him on ramen noodles. Now THAT would deal with any incipient zombie apocalypse.